Ever the pendulum swings…..and after so much intense work, belief, and great momentum towards self-healing last year, the pendulum of my days swung the other direction the last few months, or maybe even jumped right past center, and straight to the top of the other side. The dark velvety side….the debaucherous side…..the side full of brilliant and not-so-brilliant ‘aw, fuck it’ moments. The side of chocolate, wine, bourbon and wild abandon, of costume parties, bloody red meat, and crunchy french bread. Full of drama, heartbreak, exploration, celebration, the holidays, family, friends, trips, and late night giggling potato chip bag raids. And it was exactly what I needed. Cathartic dirtying after so much cleansing. Putting on a sweet little layer of fat after so much skin and bones, finding a sweet little bit of living large after so much simple scarcity.
After all, in my deepest awareness, my body appears to be the same at both ends of the pendulum’s swing…my symptoms not responding to either kale juice, nor tequila body shots. These strange symptoms seem one of the few things that over the long run doesn’t swing at all in my life. Sure they swing wildly day to day, week to week, month to month…..but over the years, they have been a great and enduring constant.
My days now though, have reached a nice balance…somewhere I imagine towards the center of this great teeter totter. My mornings full of meditation, yoga, and journaling; my afternoons full of the practice of drawing, painting, and spanish, my evenings full of inspiration, community, and enjoyment. I have found great grounding in the practices I developed this last year of meditation, yoga, and juice. I have found purpose, structure and hope in the practice of artwork. And yes, I have found that I still greatly enjoy the luxury and simple joys of chocolate cake and red wine, of abundance and silliness and good friends.
More than anything, I have found a great deal of grace with it all. A heavy weight lifted from my spirit after this last year. I really did give it my all….absolutely everything I could, and well, it just didn’t make one bit of difference in my symptoms. I found a strange freedom from that. Finally realizing perhaps, that this illness just isn’t my fault….not a fault of my laziness, or lack of self-esteem, or unwillingness to dedicate or look deep or open up or eat green things. I found confidence in seeing myself work so hard, and so completely. I remembered the strength of my spirit. And that has made all the difference.
My spirit. It too, is a constant in my life. Sometimes it appears in strong and clear ways, and other times a bit lost in the fog of things….but always there, and thank god, always strong.
Perhaps the chinese herbs I’m taking will do something over the long run, or the flower essences, or the supplements. Perhaps the rootedness, centering, and breath of my morning routine will work it’s energetic magic. But I’m not thinking too much about it. I’m focusing more on the grace, and the peace, and the balance. Because in any state of health, there is a full spectrum of life and experience and learning to be had. And I’m just going to ride this silly swinging pendulum, hair whipping in the wind, feeling it all fully, unafraid to hoot and holler and scream, from the two high sides and fast along the ground….. enjoying the ride, because like the tire swing of my youth, I know that the tree is solid, and the branch will hold.